Social media is such a highlight reel of life.
And I’m not even talking about everyone else’s social media either. I’m talking about my own. It’s a place I go to document the high points of my life and the journey I am on in the moment.
The wins, the achievements, the crushed goals are shown in all their glory. What isn’t shown nearly as often, however, is the struggle, the pain, the hurt I cause others, and a spotlight on my many flaws.
This week was marred by some of those flaws I carry around with me that manifest themselves in behavior. I am impatient, quick to anger, say things I don’t mean, cause pain in those that I love, am not always a good husband, father, friend. These things cause no small amount of shame and guilt inside me.
No matter how much progress I seem to make in a lot of areas of my life, I have to be on a constant vigilance for the ugliness and limitations of my character lurking just below the surface. I have to do everything in my power to keep them at bay or they will completely burn my life down around me.
I fail often. Too often. More often than I care to admit.
I go to bed after a day of failure like that and toss and turn most of the night, writhing with shame. I finally fall asleep and when I awake the shame is still in my heart, washing over me like the cruel waves of a stormy sea. But, there is also something there that wasn’t the day before.
Humility and a resolve to do better. I will try my best to make amends with the ones I have hurt, right the wrongs I have done, and be better. No, I can’t unring the bell, but I’m going to try again today to be the person I know I am capable of becoming and work to be forgiven for mistakes that I make.